Goodbye Gentle Parenting. Hello "F—Around and Find Out"

Ditching the "softer approach"

Excerpt: "Carla Dillon tried lots of ways to discipline her rambunctious 13-year-old, including making him write the same contrite sentence 100 times.

But when he sprayed her with a water gun at a campground after she asked him not to, she saw only one option: 

She threw him in the pond, clothes and all. 

“Some of the best lessons in life are the hard ones,” she said. 

The internet calls it “FAFO,” short for “F—Around and Find Out.” It’s a child-rearing style that elevates consequences over the “gentle parenting” methods that have helped shape Gen Z. 

FAFO (often pronounced “faff-oh”) is based on the idea that parents can ask and warn, but if a child breaks the rules, mom and dad aren’t standing in the way of the repercussions. Won’t bring your raincoat? Walk home in the downpour. Didn’t feel like having lasagna for dinner? Survive until breakfast. Left your toy on the floor again? Go find it in the trash under the lasagna you didn’t eat. 

Parenting that’s light on discipline has dominated the culture in recent decades. But critics blame the approach for some of Gen Z ’s problems in adulthood. They cite surveys that show young adults struggling with workplace relationships (was it because their parents never told them “no”?) and suffering from depression and anxiety (was it because their parents refereed all their problems?).

For parents who have spent years trying to meet their children’s emotional needs without slipping into overt permissiveness, FAFO can sound blessedly simple.

Dillon, 35, knows the approach can be off-putting. “Maybe your kids wouldn’t like that, but, not to be rude, my kid is tougher than yours,” said the mother of two outside Richmond, Va. 

She said her son, who is comfortable in the water, thought it was hilarious but still learned a lesson. She wants to teach her children to be responsible, persevere through hard times and treat others with respect.

She adds that some children have different needs that might require gentle parenting.

“My kids will walk all over me if I do that,” she said. “I’ve tried it.”