To make someone happy, ask for help
- sciart0
- Mar 20
- 2 min read
Excerpt: "As a younger man, I had an elderly family member who was, on the face of it, extremely kind and generous. Whenever she visited, she brought a thoughtful gift; she was always eager to have you over for your favorite meal; if you were sick, she would be at your bedside with chicken soup. But she had the strange habit of never accepting any favors from others. It was a source of pride for her, in fact. “I give, but don’t take,” she said. “Not even a glass of water.”
And it was true: I never saw her accept a single kindness. Even in death, her generosity was a one-way valve. She left clear instructions that her body should be donated for medical science, and she would have no memorial service of any kind.
This is a pattern I have seen with some other people who pride themselves on their generosity, and perhaps you have too: all give, no take. One can only conclude that they think this practice adds to their virtuousness. But they’re wrong.
An unwillingness or inability to accept kindnesses from others is a form of selfishness, because it appropriates for the giver all of the moral prestige of generosity while laying on the taker a sense of indebtedness, even obligation, that they have no way of paying off.
This makes giving a one-sided affair instead of what it is meant to be—a happiness-producing act of shared, mutual warmth. Learning how to receive gratefully from others is just as important, for your relationships and your own well-being, as being able to give generously.
Researchers have demonstrated the happiness effects of kindness in novel ways. For example, in one experiment, participants were instructed to engage in random virtuous acts toward strangers, such as holding a door open, feeding a parking meter, or presenting them with a small gift. Then the recipient’s reaction was assessed for whether or not they displayed a “Duchenne smile,” a facial expression involving the zygomaticus major and orbicularis oculi muscles (in the upper cheeks and around the eyes) that is known to signify authentic happiness. Compared with strangers who did not receive these kindnesses, those who did were almost four times more likely to display such a genuinely happy smile."